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It's taken a lot of years--

--to work up the courage to put this out there. Today, Brian would have been 45. I miss him still; and I find that anger lingers as long as the love does. The other emotions fade, but I'm still so angry with him for missing out on two of the greatest kids the world has ever known.

Black Leather


It was my Christmas gift to him the second year of our marriage; black, slick leather studded with buckles that didn’t unbuckle and zippers that unzipped false pockets—a biker jacket. It had been worth sacrificing the small things to see his smile. He wore it all the time. He wore it to work and he wore it out with friends. He wore it when he rode his motorcycle and he wore it when he took our daughter to the zoo. He wore it today when he went out on his bike, had a few beers with the boys and tried to outrace the policemen home. He wore it when he hit the station wagon. He wore it when they put him into the ambulance, even though it was already too late. 

Now that it is over, the emergency room staff gives me the jacket. It had been beautiful once. Pavement shredded and cut away, the blood stains the satiny black lining to heavy pitch. I hold it away from me, a ghost too new to acknowledge. One hand on my seven-month belly, the other holding our baby daughter's, I leave the emergency room; I leave the jacket--black, slick-leather, buckles, zippers. That is how I will remember it. That is how I will remember him--slipping his arms into the leather sleeves on Christmas.




( 39 comments — Leave a comment )
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Jun. 3rd, 2009 12:55 pm (UTC)
The writing is just beautiful, the emotions powerful and deep. My condolences on your loss - I didn't know.
Jun. 3rd, 2009 01:18 pm (UTC)
Thanks, sweetheart, on all counts. It was a long time ago; we were 21. Sometimes, it was only yesterday no matter how many happy years I've had since.
Jun. 3rd, 2009 01:26 pm (UTC)
Wow. That's devastating.

I'm glad you reached a point where you can let it rise to the surface.
Jun. 3rd, 2009 01:34 pm (UTC)

I thought about barring comments to this but that seemed cowardly somehow--like I was still not really acknowledging anything. It's a weird day.
Jun. 3rd, 2009 01:32 pm (UTC)
Jun. 3rd, 2009 01:34 pm (UTC)
Jun. 3rd, 2009 01:41 pm (UTC)
A wonderful tribute. I am sorry for your loss.
Jun. 3rd, 2009 01:43 pm (UTC)
:) thank you. X
Jun. 3rd, 2009 02:26 pm (UTC)
I couldn't begin to imagine the hurt... Be well, Terri.
Jun. 3rd, 2009 02:45 pm (UTC)
XX, I am.
Jun. 3rd, 2009 02:52 pm (UTC)
Jun. 3rd, 2009 03:17 pm (UTC)
(((((((((((Erin)))))))))) Hope you're feeling better. See you tonight?
(no subject) - kate_kincannon - Jun. 3rd, 2009 04:47 pm (UTC) - Expand
Jun. 3rd, 2009 03:02 pm (UTC)
Thank you for sharing this with us. And takes good writing to take something so profound and terrible and get it across so simply and powerfully.
Jun. 3rd, 2009 03:18 pm (UTC)
:::sniff:::sniff::: Thanks, sweetheart. That means a lot to me.
Jun. 3rd, 2009 04:10 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much for sharing that. You'll be in my thoughts today.

Jun. 3rd, 2009 06:37 pm (UTC)
*hugs back* thanks
Jun. 3rd, 2009 04:23 pm (UTC)

Thank you for sharing it.
Jun. 3rd, 2009 06:37 pm (UTC)
(((hugs back))) Thanks, lovey.
Jun. 3rd, 2009 04:44 pm (UTC)

Jun. 3rd, 2009 06:37 pm (UTC)
*hugs back* (perfect icon. XX)
Jun. 3rd, 2009 05:08 pm (UTC)
So sorry about that, Terri. That's really rough. Hope it'll be all happiness from here on out.
Jun. 3rd, 2009 06:38 pm (UTC)
Lots of happy years since then. Thanks for the thoughts.
Jun. 3rd, 2009 05:17 pm (UTC)
Terri, I'm so sorry. I also really appreciate you sharing this with us. Much love to you.

Jun. 3rd, 2009 06:39 pm (UTC)
Much love back to you. XXDaveXX
Jun. 3rd, 2009 05:39 pm (UTC)
another set of hugs, for use as needed.
Jun. 3rd, 2009 06:38 pm (UTC)
(((B))) I'll always take a hug. Unless I'm sweaty...or you are. :-P
Jun. 3rd, 2009 05:50 pm (UTC)
It's beautiful; it's heart-wrenching. Thank you for sharing it. *hugs*
Jun. 3rd, 2009 06:39 pm (UTC)
*hugs back* (So many hugs today! This is so great.)
Jun. 3rd, 2009 06:30 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry to hear about this. I'll be thinking of you today.


Jun. 3rd, 2009 06:40 pm (UTC)
(((hugs back))) Thanks, lovey.
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( 39 comments — Leave a comment )